


Burn Marks On My Body and Heart

by ShaggyMadi



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Depression, Family Bonding, Fluffy Moments, M/M, More tags to be added, Past Abuse, Saddness, Self Harm, Somebody plz help this fire baby, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 03:31:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11176116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaggyMadi/pseuds/ShaggyMadi
Summary: Kai wasn’t a fan of his life style. Not even remotely. Hiding things from everyone behind a smile and keeping his sleeves up was never easy. But sometimes they felt easier. Especially when he was with Jay.





	1. My Own Dark Prison

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have been working on this story since May, and at first, it felt like a chore! Each word was a pain in my ass! So I stopped writing it and eventually thought about abandoning it, which is something I've never done! But with the support and advice of a really good friend (Who is a sweet cute little marshmallow!) I have returned! I would also like to thank 7ion5 and The_Bubble_Gentlemen, who have supported me through my writers block and trying times! They are both my best friends that I care very much about! Enjoy the first chapter of this LONG awaited story! I hope it was worth the wait! (It probably wasn't)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares are a bitch.

It's Dark.

I don't understand, where am I?

I look around for some kind of clue as to where I am.

But there's nothing.

Just black.

"Kai?"

I turn my head sharply towards the source of the voice. And my eyes meet his.

"Jay?!"

I rush to him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. "Everything's gonna be okay Jay!" I pull back to look at him, "We're gonna find the others and get out of here okay?"

I looks at me with his deep sapphire eyes. Something feels off.

"J-Jay?" I shake his shoulders a bit, trying to snap him out of his trance. "Are you okay?"

"Why did you leave me Kai?"

Baby pink lips speak those words with a poisonous tone that I've never heard from the blue clad ninja. 

"W-Wha-" Red blossoms around the chest area of his blue uniform. "Jay?!" 

His eyes droop and his voice shakes with pain as blood pours down his lips and tears run down his pale cheeks.

"Why did you let me die?"

'No no no no no' I backed up away from Jay as he walked closer.

'This can't be real, This can't be real, This can't be real, THIS CAN'T BE REAL!' My mind screamed at me. 

I couldn't tear my eyes of of the Jay doppelgänger as it limped towards me, a desperate pleading look upon its face. I continued to back up away from him, 'I need to get out of here!'

I felt my back hit something. I turned around in surprise, expecting a wall. I couldn't be more wrong. There stood Cole, towering over me with a enraged look, but what really caught my eye was the giant hole in his head. Red coated his face and the smell of copper hung in the air, making me gag.

"You've failed this team Kai! We're all DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!"

He came closer, I stepped back. 

"N-no I never meant to-"

"NEVER MEANT TO?!"

A new voice cut through the air. I turned to my right and saw Lloyd, with his guts spilling out of his stomach. I heaved and struggled to keep the bile from rising in my throat as the smell worsened.

"What's wrong Kai? Can't handle the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS?!" He gestured to his stomach, "This-" then to Jay and Cole and the blackness around them, "-AND ALL OF THIS!" He stepped closer, "IS ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT!"

"He's right Kai" A calm monotone voice this time. Zane? My suspicions are confirmed when I turn around and am met with his icy gaze, or at least what's left of it. Half of Zane's face is gone, as is one of his arms. The smell of gasoline now mingles with the blood, making me even sicker. I try my best to will myself to keep it down, but I fail.

I lean over and fall to my knees, puking out my guts. 'Disgusting' I scorn myself.

Their laughing at me. Laughing at my pain. 

I feel tears slipping down my face. My hands clench tightly as I feel their laughter bore into my skull, making my head throb with pain.

'This isn't real, it can't be!' My hands come up to my head, scratching at my forehead, cheeks and temples, trying to stop this nightmare, trying to stop the overwhelming sound. I felt warm blood gush against my fingers but I couldn't care less, I just wanted all of this TO STOP.

"I'm very disappointed in you Kai" I looked up. Sensei Wu. Nya. "I thought I taught you better than this, but obviously-" Wu shook his head in disgust, "-There are some that cannot be taught"

Nya stepped forward, "I can't believe you did this, let the entire team die! I thought you loved Jay?!" She scoffed and spat on the ground. "You're no brother of mine"

I can feel my heart hammering in my chest, and it hurts! 

"Kai" It's Jay talking now, "I thought you trusted us, i thought you loved us-" He came even closer, "-I thought you loved me! But you didn't even trust us enough to tell us the truth about you and how much your suffering! We could've helped you Kai! But you pushed us away! And now-" I watched his eyes sharpen with hatred, replacing the genuine concern they held just moments ago. 

"-You've killed us all" 

Their closing in, coming closer and closer. 

It's suffocating, I can't breathe, I think I'm having a panic attack.

White noise is filling my head and my fingers are scratching my face and head again, causing more blood to pour onto my face and hands. It hurts, but the noise hurts more.

A hand is on my chin, forcing me to look up, and I'm staring into my own amber eyes.

"Wouldn't it be better if you would die?"

"*GASP*"

I sit up in a cold sweat and take in my surroundings. No Jay. No Cole. No Nya. No Zane and no Sensei Wu.

Red walls, Gray carpet and drapes. I looked down at his hands, which were currently tightly fisting his comforter with flames rising on it from the feet up. I still remember when Jay gave me it last year. I had complained for quite a while about my thin blanket, and everyone laughed and said it was funny that the fire ninja was cold, and then Jay came in. 

~Flashback~

"What's so funny?"

He walked in holding a Walmart bag and grinning ear to ear.

"Hey Jay, did you get the goods?"

Jay reached into the bag and pulled out a small plastic box, containing a single slice of what Kai assumed to be Devils' Food Cake, Coles favorite. Coles squeal of joy confirmed that. After Cole departed with his treat, Jay handed Nya a container of face lotion and a a folded up article of clothing that looked to be a cyan skirt. 

Nya smiled gratefully and gave Jay a kiss on the cheek. I had to hold back a scowl. I loved my sister and all, but she can be a real bitch sometimes. She rejected Jays feelings, then accepted him. Then was a nuisance to him the entire relationship. She then dumped him because of what a fucking machine said, claiming he "wasn't enough", with frankly pissed him off. The she turned Cole and Jay against each other, leading them both on the whole time. Then she started dating Cole. Then dumped him. To this day, she continues to flirt and lead on Jay, despite knowing it hurts him. Like I said, what a bitchy and selfish thing to do.

And worst yet, Nya is aware of Kai's crush on the Jaybird, but she doesn't seem to really care. When Kai told her, she brushed it off, saying that it probably wasn't real and would pass with time. Later I found out that she wanted to get back with Jay. So I decided to compete for him. And I still am. I wasn't sure exactly how long I had liked him or even when it started, but I do know one thing, I wasn't giving up that easily. 

"Oh Kai's just complaining about some cold feet" Jay looked confused. "Cold feet?" He looked at me with a curious look. "Care to elaborate?"

'Shit! Play it off Kai!'

I felt like I was sweating bullets. I cleared my throat before speaking, "I just have a thin blanket is all" Damn, I feel like such a idiot! 

His expression shifted drastically from confused to worried.

"Really? Is it hard to sleep with it?"

I looked up in surprise, is he really concerned? About me?

"Um...N-Not really!" 'I know I'm not very convincing dammit!' 

Jay frowned heavily, all of his playful eyes and cocky smile gone, now replaced with a look of deep concern. 

"You could catch a cold Kai..." 

I cocked an eyebrow at that. Why did he care so much? 

"I'm fine Jay! Nothing the red ninja can't handle!"

Jay made a pouty face that reminded me of a small child who was told a lie and knows it. Yep, he knows I'm full of shit. Jay was always the best at reading me when no one else could. Luckily I've been able to keep my depression and thoughts of suicide a secret for this long. 'I wonder how much longer I can keep it up...shit! Stop thinking about it or he'll catch on!'

I stopped myself for a second. 

'Kai he's not physic!'

'...'

'Is he?'

I stepped forward and put on the most convincing smile I could muster. "Come on Jaybird, I'm just joking around!" 

Jay looked like he wasn't budging.

"Jay, bud, I'm serious, okay? I'm perfectly fine!"

Jay let out a deep sigh and set the Walmart back down. 

I internally smiled, 'And the Oscar goes to...'

"Kai, come with me" Jay said grabbing his keys agian. "And bring your jacket!"

I gulped down the lump in my throat as I grabbed my red jacket out of the closet by the door. 'What have I gotten myself into?'

I walked outside with him and felt myself shiver at the cold autumn air. Jay looked over at me and immediately tried to look cool by leaning again the wall and giving him double finger guns, which caused me to lose my balance and slip. Right. Into. Jays. Arms.

I was staring into his eyes and thinking two things at once. 

Number One, 'Wow, he is so beautiful and amazing and his eyes are the most gorgeous eyes in the world and his lips and just a inch away from mine I wanna kiss him so bad why is he so cute-'

And Number Two, 'ABORT ABORT ABORT BITCH WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING WHAT DO I DO THIS IS NOT GOOD AHHHHHHH-'

Both of my thoughts were cut short by me being picked up and carried bridal style by Jay to his motorcycle. 

"Jay! Put me down!"

He chuckled, "So you can slip again?"

"I won't!" I could feel my face heating up, 'Oh god Jay don't notice don't notice!'

"Careful, you look like you're about to explode!"

'Dammit!' I cursed internally.

When we reached his motorcycle (yes he DID make it himself) he set me down, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad at the loss of warmth. But I didn't miss it for long.

Jay got on and I got on behind him. That's when I realized that, thanks to the slanted seat, my chest was right up against his back. 'This is awkward and amazing at the same time'

Jay started the motorcycle and looked behind him, at me. "I'm guessing this is your first time on a motorcycle?" I nodded shyly. "Okay, so wrap your arms tightly around my chest so you don't fall off and put this on"

He handed me a red and black helmet with flame patterns with a huge smirk. 'Dammit Jay' 

-Time Skip-

I watched the buildings and people fly by as Jay drives. It was amazing, like a dream. Not only was I out with Jay, and not only was I finally on a motorcycle, but I had this great excuse to be close to Jay. 

I could feel his warmth through his clothes and he smelled like spice and coconut. It smelled amazing, and even though it was kinda weird that I was smelling him, I just couldn't resist. 'Shit I got it bad for this guy'

Then it hit me. I had NO idea where the hell Jay was taking me.

I cleared my throat and leaned forward a bit so I was next to his ear.

"Um, Jay?"

"Yeah Hot Stuff?"

My face practically burst into flames at that nickname and I felt my heartbeat quicken. 'Jay you better stop being so cute or I'll give myself away Dammit!'

"Where exactly are we going?"

Jay chuckled in a way that sent shivers down my spine. How can just a simple laugh from him effect me so much? 'I guess I was all weak in the first place...'

That statement always has been true. I was weak as a kid, weak as a teenager, and weak as a young adult.

I was weak on missions and just in daily life.

I remember being bullied as a kid a lot.

"Hahaha! What's wrong loser? Gonna cry to mommy and daddy? Oh wait! You don't have any parents ahaha!"

I could feel my eyes filling with tears. 'No no no no no no! No crying in front of Jay!'

I sucked it up and cleared my throat to keep it from cracking. "Really J-Jay, where are you taking me?"

"I don't need to tell you!"

'Dammit, he's making me feel nervous!' 

"Why no-not?!"

Jay chuckled again and my face once again flushed heavily.

"Why?!" My voiced cracked with fear that time.

"Because we're here!"

"Wha-?" 

I looked around and sure enough, we had stopped in the parking lot of Walmart. I must have been to distracted to notice. 

'Wait, didn't Jay just come back from here? Did we forget something? Then why would he bring me?'

"Um...Kai?" 

"Y-yeah?"

"Can you let go of me so we can get off?"

I looked down at where my arm circled his chest and felt like I would explode due to embarrassment. I can see my tombstone now, 

"Here lies Kai Smith, who died of embarrassment, good riddance" 

"I'm sorry! I-uh-" I stuttered. I let go of him and struggled to keep my balance without the extra support.

"Geez Kai, you sure have been jumpy lately eh?"

"U-um s-sorry Jay" 'You're blowing it Kai!'

"Hmmm..." Jays eyes narrowed a bit in concentration and stepped closer to me, while I was still balancing on the motorcycle. 

"Get off Kai" 

His tone wasn't cold, nor was it angry. It wasn't a request. It was a command. 

Jay used that voice when he wasn't playing around. 

I felt my blood run cold and at the same time I felt heat rush to my face. Jay being dominant and demanding was...hot to say the least. But I was concerned what Jay was gonna do.

Nevertheless, I obliged and got off. When I was off I turned to face Jay and the concentrated look on his face. 

I watched as he raised a hand and my heart stopped. Flashbacks of broken bottles, pain and blood. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited the inevitable pain I was about the experience, but none came. Instead I felt two gentle hands on my shoulders and something warm and soft against my forehead.

I opened my eyes and saw something a bit peculiar, Jays chin. 'What? Why am I staring at his chin?' I was baffled to say the least. I was about to ask Jay what he was doing when I dawned on me. He's taking my temperature. 'But...if both his hands are on my shoulders and I'm eye level with his chin, then he isn't using his hands or forehead. So what-HOLY CRAP HIS LIPS ARE TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD' 

'Calm down Kai! Calm down! You remember learning this from Zane while he was teaching everyone first aid and basic care!'

Yeah I remember that! Zane said that the skin on your hand is too thick to feel temperature very accurately. But the skin on your lips was extremely thin and easy to feel heat through.

'I also remember thinking about how warm Jays Lips would feel against mine-NO BAD THOUGHTS BAD THOUGHTS NOW IS NOT THE TIME-'

Before I could really dwell on the fact that my major crush of literal YEARS was technically kissing my forehead, he pulled away.

"Well you don't have a fever but you're really red! Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

'Okay Kai, distract yourself from the fact that your crush technically just kissed you!'

"Yeah I feel just fine!" I put my hands on my hips and flashed a confident smile.

"Nothing can take down the red ninja!" 'Except for maybe the blue ninja...and basically everyone else because like I said earlier...I'm weak...' I thought internally. 

"Are you sure Kai?" Jay asked. He had the same look on his face that he had a while ago. You know, the "I know your bullshiting me" look.

"Really Jay, I'm fine!"

"Okay, Kai, I believe you" He put his hand on my shoulder and he frowned when I tensed. "But if something is ever bothering you, please tell me! I care about you and want to help you in any way I can!"

'Can you stop being so cute and oblivious and giving me heart attacks?'

"Thanks Jay.."

"Anytime!"

He took his hand off my shoulder and headed in the other direction.

"Now let's get you a new comforter!"

"Comforter?"

He wiped around to look at me with two wide blue eyes.

"You've never had a comforter?!"

"N-no?"

"Oh my gosh!" Jay threw his hands up in the air like a drama queen and grabbed my arm, now jogging towards Walmart and dragging me along.

"You are getting one right this instant mister and I will here nothing of it!"

'What have I gotten myself roped into?'

"I-is this why you brought me here? For a comforter?!"

Jay smiled and pulled me through the sliding doors.

"Yes!"

"Why?!"

He dragged me through the store and down the isles, eyes scanning for blankets.

"Because!"

"Because why?!"

He suddenly stopped and turned around, taking both my hands and looking at me with a serious expression. It just made me blush harder.

"Because your health and wellbeing is VERY important to me! I don't want you unable to sleep or catching a cold!"

His expression softened and I felt myself become entranced.

"You shouldn't ignore, push down or bottle up your feelings and wellbeing, if there is something wrong you need to tell us so we...so I can help you!"

He looked right into my eyes and I felt myself panic slightly. Was my facade slipping?!

'I need to distract him!'

I looked around.

"Kai, is something-"

"Hey look! A flame pattern comforter!"

Jay turned his head around so fast I was worried he had gotten whiplash.

"Where?!"

The second his eyes fell upon it they lit up like the forth of July, it was...beautiful.

He ran over and picked it up, smiling widely.

"This...Is...PERFECT!"

The next hour or so was a blur.

I remember Jay paid for it despite my protests and talked about amazing and ironic the whole situation was.

Although I wasn't listening entirely, I hung on to every word. I also seem to remember briefly wondering if it would be weird if I told Jay how much I loved his voice.

~End Flashback~

I hugged the comforter close to my chest and closed my eyes, letting a small smile grace my features.

The night he got me this was the best sleep I've had in years. No nightmares. No insomnia. No sadness or tears. Just pleasant and warm sleep. It was really nice.

The nightmares returned eventually, but the comforter was a great...well, comforter!

It reminded me of Jay and how he said he cared about me. It made me feel warm all over.

My mind drifted back to the nightmare. 

I wouldn't leave my family to die! It was fake! 

...

I hope...

I was weak enough to get them killed and be unable to protect them, but I would do my best to save them at any cost! Even if I had to lay down my life! 

...

In fact, that would probably be for the best. 

Thoughts of suicide had been in my mind since high school and they only seemed to get worse as I became a ninja. I even had a few attempts under my belt, but I always either chickened out of it or failed, but I never caught.

Jay and the others were the only things keeping me from trying again. But the self harm and cutting never stopped.

Sure I had periods of time where I would be clean, but I always had a relapse.

I rolled down my sleeve and looked at the scars that littered my arms, old and new.

I hadn't cut in a few days, but I was starting to itch for a blade.

Then I realized it was morning, and I never do it in the morning. Too risky.

"Kai~! Come down for a FABULOUS breakfast darling~!"

Who messed with Zanes switches?

I wiped the tears from my eyes (When did I start crying?) and sat up more.

I rolled my sleeve back up and threw off my covers before heading to the mirror/ dresser and unlocking my small safe.

Everyone thought I kept money in there, and I did, but I was also where I kept bandages, box cutters, a small but sharp Japanese dagger and my dia-JOURNAL! MY JOURNAL!

I reached to the back and found what I was looking for. A small container of what looked like face lotion, but really it was heavy concealer.

I looked towards my mirror and leaned forward, dipping my fingers in the cream and rubbing it under my eyes, hiding the purple bags there. 

I needed to make everyone think I was well rested or they'd worry and try to learn more about me, which could lead to them finding out about my secret. Which I couldn't let happen.

"Kai~!"

"Coming!" I yelled out, praying that no one hear the crack in my voice from crying.

I took a deep breath and walked to my door before opening it. 

'Here we go'

-End Chapter One-


	2. A Normal Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai's facade seems to be slipping. Is everyone catching on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone I'd like to as always apologize for how slow I am at updating but I want to let you all know that I NEVER abandon a story! It may take me 6 months to gain the monivation to work on a story, put together the beginning of a idea and then put it away in a notebook with the promise of working on it later, forget about it, find it much later when I have lost the monivation to work on the story, find it again and after a long time finish the idea, not be satisfied with the idea and not improve on it for a while, finally work on it and start the story, work on the story for a while and forget about it, start working on it again, lose monivation AGAIN, get no ideas and be unable to work on it more, finally work on it more and over the course of a few days finally finish it and STILL not be satisfied with the length or content of the new chapter-
> 
> ...
> 
> I have isssues.
> 
> Anyway thank you everyone for your comments because they are truly a treasure and keep me from deleteing my account and burning my computer!
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter!

I walked downstairs with heavy steps, slightly slouched.

'Might as well get all this out now...'

The sound of everyone happily chatting in the dining room brought a small smile to Kai's face.

'I'm so lucky to have those guys...which makes me feel worse for being the way I am and dragging them down...'

Kat also couldn't help but feel ungrateful as well. 

He was suffering before he joined the team. 

Everyday was a blur of pain and despair.

His routine was almost robotic in a way.

Wake up, eat very little, try not to throw it up, cut himself, hide behind a fake smile, rinse, wash, and repeat.

After he became a ninja and joined the team he started to get better.

But now he was back. He'd gone back to his own ways again.

'Pathetic...'

Kai wanted to get better but...that was a hard thing to do for him.

He wasn't okay. He doubted he ever would be okay.

But this was enough to keep him here. His family. Jay especially...

Kai smiled to himself. 

'Deep breaths...happy thoughts...'

Jay being adorable. Nya calling him big brother for the first time. His comforter. Good dreams. Jay in general. Pepsi and meat lovers pizza.

Kai felt his smile become more real as he listened to the joyful chatter of his family behind the wall.

One more deep breath.

In...and out...

And in we go!

Kai walked in with a small sleepy smile.

Jay instantly took notice of the fire ninjas presence and smiled brightly at him. 

"Kai! Good morning!" 

Jays eyes lit up as he greeted Kai cheerily and walked over to him.

Kai smiled back and felt his heart swell.

"Good morning Jaybird!"

Jay laughed and punched Kai's arm playfully.

Kai was kinda the only one who could call Jay "Jaybird" without him getting irritated at all.

Cole laughed, his mouth full of his morning slice of cake.

"Morning Cole!"

Cole swallowed and then smiled up at Kai.

"S'up Hot-head?"

This got a collective snicker from everyone but Zane, Jay and Sensei Wu.

Jay didn't laugh because he didn't find Kai being called any sort of name funny, but per Kai's request he didn't say anything.

Sensei WU didn't laugh because he was meditating.

And as for Zane...well...

Zane had noticed something was up with Kai the second he started getting worse. 

And frankly it was worrying Kai.

Zane didn't have any real proof but...if he got some it would not be good for Kai.

Said ninjroid was making breakfast, but his icy blue eyes were on Kai.

Kai looked over at Zane and smiled brightly at him.

"Morning Zane! What's cookin'?"

This seemed to soften Zanes gaze a bit but Kai knew he wasn't convinced.

"Eggs, bacon, pancakes, sausage and freshly squeezed orange juice"

Jay smiled brightly and rubbed his hands together. 

"I love when Zane cooks! And you too Kai! You make the best Mexican food in Ninjago!"

"Hear Hear!" Nya and Cole said collectively.

Kai felt his cheeks flush slightly at the praise from Jay.

"Aw jeez Jay! That's so sweet of you but they can't be that good!"

Jay smiled and hugged Kai from behind.

"Exactly they are even better than I can put into words!"

Kai blushed deeper and puts his arms over Jays, smiling widely.

"Pfff-Jay! Stop it ahaha!"

Kai could feel the weight on his heart lessen and his smile become more genuine.

Jay's praise and physical contact from him was making him feel giddy and warm inside. It was really nice.

Jay laughed and released Kai, much to said red ninjas hidden disappointment.

Zane had his attention back on the food as he pressed some of the bacon onto the pan with the spatula, making it sizzle.

"It's Kai's turn to cook tonight anyways-"

"AWESOME!"

Jay sounded overjoyed at this new development.

Kai smiled warmly and rubbed his arm a little.

'Jay truly is the light of my life nowadays...it's too bad your too selfish to be happy with that.'

Kai's smile faded at that thought.

'I'm so selfish...so greedy. I'm here with the best people in the world and all I can do is cry and make scars on myself...'

Kai should be grateful. But he's got a million problems to hide from everyone.

Kai felt bad for that too.

He hides everything from everyone constantly. They wouldn't want this. They'd want Kai to be honest with them and seek help from his self destructive behavior.

But Kai was weak. 

Kai was scared.

Kai didn't want them to know how weak he was. How broken he was.

And he didn't want to burden the others with his problems. 

They were happy. Everyone was happy.

Kai was happy with them.

...most of the time.

"Kai? Are you alright?"

Zanes voice cut through his thoughts suddenly, making Kai jump a little.

"H-Huh?"

Zane was halfway done setting the table when he must have noticed Kai's somber expression.

His face looked concerned and his eyes were searching Kai's face for signs of destress or sadness.

Kai instantly smiled widely, but he knew it looked fake.

"Yeah I'm fine!"

This seemed to be enough for Cole and Nya as they turned back to the table to get their food, but Jay and Zane didn't look convinced at all.

"Are you sure Kai?"

Jays voice was gentle yet slightly demanding of a honest answer from Kai. Kind of like mother. Another thing Kai loved about Jay was his overprotective and caring behavior of everyone. Add it to the list right?

Kai smiled a little more genuinely at Jays concern.

"Yeah I'm fine Jay! Just kinda got lost in thought!"

Cole snickered and looked up from his plate at Kai.

"You kinda need to have deep thoughts to get lost in them Kai!"

Nya laughed at this and Jay fixed Cole with a icy glare to rival Zane and Sensei Wu's combined, but Cole wasn't really looking at him.

Kai huffed and felt his face redden in embarrassment. 

"Hey! I have deep thoughts!"

'About suicide and my importance to the team mostly'

"About what Kai? If doors with handles are push or pull?"

Cole laughed hysterically and Nya joined in.

Cole wasn't trying to be mean. Kai knew that. 

He just didn't know it hurt.

And he never was going to know on Kai's watch.

But Kai couldn't stop his face falling and his eyes dulling a little at this.

Jay saw that from Kai and his eyes went from cold to angry in a instant and he rounded on Cole and Nya.

"Guys. Stop."

His voice sounded extremely angry and a little shaky, like he was trying control himself.

And his clenched fists and tightened posture showed how angry he was and how much he was trying to control himself.

Kai could see the conflict behind those baby blues. 

Kai could see the gears in his head turned rapidly and Kai was willing to bet money that Jay was biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying the speech he was no doubt preparing in his mind about why they shouldn't make fun of Kai in any way, shape, or form.

Kai had talked to Jay about this before.

He had asked Jay to ignore it and let them have their laugh.

They needed a outlet and if Kai was that outlet then so be it. Kat was fine with them hurting him unknowingly if it helped put them more at ease.

...Kat had said that last part to Jay of course-

Kai walked up behind Jay and placed a hand on his shoulder as Cole and Nya howled with laughter.

"Jay...it's okay"

Jay looked over at Kai and scanned his face for a moment.

Jay sighed and smiled at Kai warmly, placing his hand over Kai's.

Kai smiled at Jay and regrettably withdrew his hand from Jays shoulder. 

Cole wiped away his tears of laughter and wheezed.

"O-Or maybe you were trying to figure out how to use a toothbrush properly?!"

Nya laughed harder and mimicked a squeaky voice.

"Which side do you use to brush your teeth?!"

They both roared with laughter, Nya gripping her sides and Cole banging the table with his fist.

Kai felt his smile drop more.

"H-Hehe...v-very funny guys-"

But they didn't seem to be done.

"O-Or maybe he was thinking about the baffling question he's been asking his whole life...how gay can one man be...a-and how much do I exceed that limit?!"

Nya laughed harder and kicked her feet at Coles statement.

Kai however felt his blood run cold. 

Did Cole someone learn about his crush on Jay? Is this really happening?!

Kai gulped and suddenly felt extremely vulnerable.

And Jay? He looked a hell of a lot madder. 

And Zane had such a icy look that it seemed like it could freeze them both.

But they were too caught up in their laughter to really notice.

"Yeah! Or maybe-"

"That's enough!"

A new voice cut through their laughter and everyone turned their attention to the sound.

Sensei Wu must have snapped out of his meditative state at some point since his eyes were now open and aware.

And frankly he looked upset.

Kai guessed this had something to do with the fact that Sensei Wu was the only one who truly knew of Kai's past.

He knew more than even Nya when it came to Kai.

But that still wasn't a lot.

The most Sensei Wu knew was of Kai's sensitivity and insecurities, so naturally what Cole and Nya saw as light hearted banner was soul crushing to Kai.

And Sensei Wu knew that.

"Cole. Nya. That is quite enough out of both of you."

Cole and Nya bowed slightly in their seats.

"Hai Sensei" They said together quietly, barely at a mumble.

"Apologize to Kai at once."

Nya and Cole both looked at Kai shamefully.

"Sorry Kai..."

"Yeah sorry bro..."

Kai smiled reassuringly and waved his hand dismissively.

"There's nothing to apologize for you guys! But thanks anyways! Apology accepted..."

They both smiled and returned to their breakfast.

Jay and Zane still looked a little peeved but calmed nonetheless by the apology and newfound comfortable atmosphere.

Zane sighed and set to finishing the table placements.

Jay sat down at the table as far away from Cole and Nya as possible, looking at them coldly.

Cole and Nya both noticed.

Cole sent Jay a apologetic look and Nya sent Jay a gaze of frustration and anger.

Nya passive-aggressively got up from the table and left with a "excuse me".

That was just Nya.

Cole instantly felt awkward but continued to eat silently, avoiding eye contact with everyone.

Kai looked to Sensei Wu and smiled politely.

"Master, would you like some tea?"

Sensei Wu nodded.

"That would be nice Kai. Thank you."

Kai bowed respectively. 

"You're welcome Sensei. What kind?"

Wu hummed and placed his hands on his lap.

"Green Tea please"

Kai bowed once again and went to make the tea.

Zane cut in as he reached for the pot.

"I can make the tea if you wish Kai"

Kai smiled at the kind offer and shook his head as he cradled the fragile tea pot in his hands.

"Focus on making breakfast tin bucket! I got this!"

'Do I?'

God Kai hoped he did.

It was just tea! How hard could it be?

The one problem is that Kai seemed to have a unprecedented talent for turning a simple task into a real disaster. 

Kai prayed this wouldn't be another one of those times as he filled the kettle with water and turned on the second stove.

But about what Cole said...did he know?

Kai had seen plenty of gay jokes from all over, but never from Cole and definitely not towards him.

And was Kai even gay? He had never really liked a guy before Jay! He used to like Skylar but it wasn't anything like this! Not even close.

Kai knew he loved Jay with all his heart. His heart fluttered when he was just THINKING about the lightning ninja.

He meant the world to Kai and more.

Kai can't recall a exact date when he realized he loved Jay as more than a brother, but eventually he just did.

It was probably a slow progression of his feelings. There was no big moment when his heart and his head all went crazy as he fell head over heels in love.

Jay slowly earned Kai's affection with each word and gesture. 

Jay. 

So kind and considerate of Kai. Always so worried about his well-being and ready to jump into action to save him at any second.

So clever and creative. Making the greatest and most amazing things to fascinated Kai down to the every last excruciating detail.

Kai could fill up a notebook with all the things he loved about Jay.

In fact he already had! The journal in his safe was one of many...

Kai put the kettle upon the hot stovetop and stood back a bit to watch it boil, drumming his fingers gently on the porcelain teacup. 

Did Cole find the loose board under his bed and read those journals? 

The idea of Cole reading such private thoughts and accounts of and about him was...terrifying.

Kai gripped the teacup a little harder and bit the tip of his tongue, rolling it in between his teeth.

'No...no Cole couldn't have found any of them'

Kai kept in mind that the journals weren't ONLY about Jay.

They had his personal thoughts on a lot of times that range from people to politics to video games.

But a lot of the stuff was about Jay.

After all, the blue clad ninja was almost always on Kai's mind.

So it's natural then when writing about what's on his mind Jay would pop up a lot.

Kai hadn't looked over the in a while but he could guess what the contents was.

Depressing thoughts, a description of Jay, some random poem, a entry about something that happened that day, a list of his flaws, a list of things he loves about Jay (which usually takes about 10 pages before he realizes how long he's been writing and stops, just to pick up where he left off another time) and just about everything else a depressed and suicidal ninja hopelessly in love could write.

If anyone found that he'd be absolutely mortified on so many levels...

His feelings for Jay would be out in the open. 

But so would his...other thoughts.

His list of flaws and his thoughts of suicide were all there.

The number is times he's cut and or wanted to cut were all there.

Kai even recalled a time he had cut just before writing in a notebook and accidentally spilled a few small drops of blood the page.

This was what reassured Kai that Cole hadn't found any of them.

If Cole saw such things he'd immediately tell someone.

He wouldn't just joke about the parts with Jay!

...

Would he?

Kai could tell he was shaking slightly but he couldn't stop it.

Cole-no anyone at al finding his journals would be catastrophic. 

The secrets in his journals being revealed...it was one of his worst fears...

He could see thier looks of disgust and shock.

Especially on Jays face-

SMASH!

Kai gasped as the teacup he was holding hit the floor, shattering instantly.

It snapped him out of his thoughts suddenly and Kai felt shame boil through him.

'I can't believe this I knew I'd mess it up oh my god what have I done is everyone going laugh or yell at me I can't-'

"Kai?"

A hand was placed on his shoulder and a soft voice broke him from his panic.

Kai turned to the new voice and saw Jays hypnotizing blue eyes, filled with worry and concern.

"Kai hey are you alright?"

Kai took a deep breath and turned his entire body to face Jay, but Jay didn't remove his hand from Kai's shoulder and the concern never left his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry Jay I just..."

Kai looked down at the shattered pieces of the cup.

Kai could tell his eyes ache, his desire to cry growing ever stronger.

"Hey Kai its okay! It's just a cup!"

Jays voice was kind and reassuring.

Kai looked up to meet Jays eyes.

"I'm still sorry..."

Jay smiled and pats Kai's shoulder gently.

"Nothing to apologize for Spikes!"

Kai chuckled and reached up to touch his hair.

"Hey this is a great style Sparky!"

Jay laughed and withdrew his hand from Kai's shoulder.

"But are you sure your alright? You get enough sleep last night?" 

'No'

"Yes"

"You sure?"

Jay wasn't easily convinced. 

And judging by the looks on the faces of Zane, Wu and Cole, they wouldn't be easily convinced either.

"Trust me Jay, I'm fine! Just kinda lost my grip you know?"

Cole piped up. 

"Deep in thought again?"

"Yeah something like that"

Jay slowly nodded. 

"Okay Kai, but if you ever need something, I'm here okay"

Oh Jay...So kind and caring to someone so undeserving of it...

Kai felt himself smile at him and Jay returned it.

"Oh course Jay, thank you"

Jay nodded.

Sensei Wu cleared his throats and stood up.

"Kai. Can I have a word with you in private?"

"O-Of course Sensei! But what about-"

"I can make more tea later. And Jay, would you kindly clean up the cup shards and dispose of them properly?"

Jay bowed respectfully.

"Hai Sensei"

Jay smiled at Kai and bent down to pick up the broken pieces of the cup.

Kai stepped out of the way and sent Jay a apologetic look.

Jay smiled up at Kai one last time before returning to the task at hand.

"Kai. Come with me."

Kai nodded and walked with Sensei Wu to the monastery.

'I wonder what punishment I'll get for this...'

Once inside Sensei Wu closed the door and turned to Kai.

"Kai. As your Master and Sensei I care for you immensely. And I can't help but notice something has been...off lately. Is there anything going on?"

Kai resisted the urge to swallow the lump in his throats and tried to appear confused.

"Sensei what are you saying?"

Sensei Wu stroked his bread and fixed Kai with a concentrated look.

"You have seemed more clumsy and tired lately and I can't help but notice that your smile doesn't quite reach your eyes. Is something troubling you my student?"

'Damn. I should've known Sensei Wu would catch on!'

Kai smiled as reassuringly as he could muster at his Master.

"Master your concern is appreciated but I'm okay really!"

Sensei Wu seemed to measure his options with narrowed eyes for a moment.

Eventually he sighed and stopped stroking his bread to look at Kai with a wary expression.

"Okay Kai. I won't pry. But please tell us if something is wrong."

Kai let out a sigh of relief and bowed.

"Hai Sensei"

Wu nodded and opened the door for Kai.

"You may go now"

"Thank you Sensei"

And with that Kai left.

Deep breath in. 

Deep breath out.

Another confrontation dodged.

Good.

On with the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written over the course of three days. I wanted this to be longer but I was getting tired honestly! I hope you all enjoyed and stay tuned for the next installment of "Burn Marks On My Body And Heart"! Thank you and stay Shaggy!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter of this story! I honestly have no idea where this story is going! So criticism and suggestions are appreciated immensely! Also, I'm sorry to all the Nya fans, I just never liked her and saw her as a huge bitch and I kinda used Kai to vent for me! And about Jay, him and Kai are about the same heights with Jay being just a centimeter taller and Jay is slightly more masculine in this story than in others AND Kai is slightly LESS masculine in this story because of his depression and stuff. See ya later my Shaggys! I'M GONNA GO WORK ON THE NEXT CHAPTER OF GRAY EYES NOW! *slamming face repeatedly on keyboard while Linkin Park plays in the background*


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